I’m a forty-year-old computer engineer (in other words, a nerd), and I’m being bullied. A guy I work with always makes fun of me in front of our colleagues. I would be able to bear the hurtful insults, but he takes the abuse much farther. Sometimes when I’m in the men’s room he and his cronies corner me and beat me up. They punch me in the stomach and chest (so as not to leave any visible bruises) and take my lunch money. Then they dunk my head in the toilet until I agree to do all their work. This kind of thing has been happening my whole life, and I don’t know what to do. I’m too weak to fight back, and I’m too embarrassed to tell my boss. Please help me!

Billy Being Bullied

Dear Billy Being Bullied,

Bullies are an unfortunate fact of life. Throughout history, the stronger have prevailed over the weaker. The tallest tree spreads its canopy and steals the sunlight from its smaller unfortunate brethren. The big fish eats the little Visitor (widgeo.net) fish. The strongest lion gets more food and mates with the hottest lionesses. The nation with the most military might imposes its will on its neighbors. This is all part of the evolution of life on planet Earth: survival of the fittest.

Human beings are a different sort of animal, though. Some of us are born with an unusual weapon that often can conquer pure physical power. That weapon, of course, is intelligence.

The way I see it, you have three choices: accept your position as the weaker being and submit to a lifetime of torment from this bully and others; challenge your bully’s physical dominance with a display of your own power (i.e. kick his ass); or, apply your superior mental abilities to outsmart the bastard. I highly recommend the third choice.

If you need inspiration, here’s an idea. First, find an escape route from the restroom, like crawling through the air ducts or drilling a secret tunnel behind a toilet. Next, rig the restroom with remote-detonated explosives. Hide them under sinks or in the paper towel dispenser, somewhere they won’t be easily seen. Finally, lure the bully and his cronies into the restroom. Before they arrive, duck out through your secret escape route. When the bullies arrive, set off the explosives and blow their asses to smithereens. Bully problem solved.

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